This year, I made a promise to myself to go and get a pap smear done. I thought it would involve one doctor’s visit, a short time on the table where I would lay down and think of England and then it would be done. I should have know that with my freaky body nothing is as simple as it should be.
First doctor’s visit and it turns out that I am too early in my cycle to get it done. No worries, I make an appointment for a week later.
Today it was a week later and back I go to get the damn test done. I lay on the table and think of England, but there is problem. Way back when I was 20 and desperate to lose my virginity, I did something very stupid. I went and basically had a one night stand with a guy I didn’t love and barely really knew. Turns out my girly bits aren’t designed like everyone else’s instead I have a lovely piece of skin called a vaginal septum that divides the vagina into two up near the cervix. I have sex, it tears and I end up in the hospital having emergency surgery. Now I was under the impression that this miscellaneous piece of tissue was fully removed at the time of my surgery. But no, it wasn’t, it was just repaired. I still have this fucking piece of tissue there blocking my cervix and hence I can’t get a pap smear done.
So I am off to see a specialist over at RPA to see if either they can get the pap smear done with their fancy equipment, they will decide that I don’t need a pap smear or they will do surgery to finally remove this unwanted tissue and then go ahead and do the pap smear.
It does explain why attempting to wear a tampon is the most painful experience ever though. It is also a jolly good thing that I am not attempting to have heterosexual sex or have children cause neither of those things would occur without a fair bit of pain, lots of bleeding and more surgery.
I am totally pissed off the the damn septum wasn’t actually fully removed in the first place. Not only did I not get a blood transfusion after hemorrhaging for 8 hours and then spent the next eight months destroying my immune system whilst I tried to get rid of the staph infection I picked up from the hospital, but now it turns out they fucked up the surgery as well. Trust me when I say that I am not eager to undergo the whole experience a second time (although the two days on morphine were mighty fine).
Now I am off to do battle with the public health care system to get in to see the specialist and we will see where things go from here.
I did learn something interesting today though -if you are exclusively lesbian ie never ever have had sex with a man, you do not need a pap smear. Therefore, if I wasn’t such an idiot 12 years ago, I wouldn’t be in this situation. I would still have that damn piece of unwanted tissue though.